a rant of sorts

I know I never post and we can all agree that's fair because no one ever reads this but after riding in the car for 40+ hours in the past week some thoughts have come to mind that I should probably right down.

First of all I hate Christmas.  I love the idea of having an excuse to give people presents, I love giving and getting presents, but I still hate Christmas.  And more than that I hate Thanksgiving.  it's not just because I'm vegan and the fact that a national holiday celebrating our gross factory farming practices is disgusting to me, but I hate the fact that I am expected to take days off work (which means less money), travel (which means spending the money I'm not making because I took time off from work), and then I'm also supposed to buy people presents in the mean time.  I love buying people presents; I just don't like to do it half assed.  If I'm going to buy a present for someone I want them to really enjoy it.  I want them to know I thought carefully about what to get them and knew they'd like it.  So that means I'm spending more time and money on this than maybe other people are, but what is the fun in getting or giving crappy gifts?  So I'm not a typical humbug, but I hate Thanksgiving and I hate Christmas.  And I would be quite content if we just skipped the days between Halloween and Valentine's day, because really is there anything more dissapointing than New Year's?

Second of all....I need to write a book, but not like the weird fantastical collection of words I've been scribbling down every November.  A David Sedaris or Chelsea Handler style humorous collection of embarrassing stories.   I'm thinking some about my depressing love life between the ages of 10 and 20.  Or the stupid things I used to do when I was drunk.  I think I could combine those though, like when I had a huge crush on Dan Trudeau when I was in 7th grade, and it was perfect because I never talked to him or saw him so he could remain perfect in my mind until a friend of mine told me he smoked weed and that was so crazy and foreign to me I was forced to move on.  But then when I was 19 and drinking at a bar, I shouldn't have been drinking at, and more accepting of the fact that people smoked weed, I saw him and because I had already consumed 3 vodka cranberries, it seemed like a lovely idea to tell him that I used to have a crush on him in 7th grade, which he then seemed very pleased with and we made out in his car.
Or I could write a collection of family stories that could explain why my brother's have given me little faith in the opposite sex, and justified my perpetual fear of alcohol that I eventually overcame.  thank you, oglethorpe.   So much life to right about....and I'm not even 25 yet, but I will be next November.   Does a collection of short memoirs on the same topic qualify for NaNoWriMo?

Third...I hate driving in the snow.  It's gaining steam and it might make it to my Top 5 Things I Hate List soon if I keep having to do it, but currently beating it on the list are: the stupid people that think any time it is cold or it snows is infallible proof that global warming is a myth.  Could you be any more stupid?  First (I know you love to know I can count) when it snows the temperature is relatively high: normally between 20-30.  Cold winters temperatures are normally below zero.   Secondly, if it is cold it doesn't mean global warming can't exist.  Scientists believe that global warming will cause erratic weather patters, say like it being 9 degrees on Sunday and then 60 on Wednesday.  I'd call that erratic.
The most plausible argument for why global warming doesn't exist is the idea that it is happening it's just not man made.  It's a natural cycle the world goes through based on how much trees grew in 1665.  And I would buy that, maybe, if I needed a reason not to feel guilty for driving my Chevy Suburban through rush hour traffic every morning with just lonely old me inside the 8 passenger vehicle.  But for those of us who aren't trying to maintain a horribly wasteful way of life it's pretty obvious that doing bad things will eventually catch up to us.  Isn't that why people believe in heaven and hell?  So what is the worst thing that could happen if we work to protect our environment? We might lower our cholesterol levels?

Fourth, I hate stupid people.

Dog Days of February?

Hyperspace

I imagine that driving in the snow, with the white flakes headed in all directions as they hit your windshield, is a lot like driving through hyperspace drunk.  Like Han Solo and Lei driving through hyperspace, that’s me in a snowstorm. 

I like to talk about Star Wars with people I don’t know, when we first meet.  I think you can tell a lot about a person by what they watch, read…do.  I don’t recall if Spencer liked Star Wars.  Spencer was a law student at Georgia State; he liked the playground that we went to when we were all drunk, and he liked whiskey.  You can never tell much about a guy by what he drinks though, unless he drinks it through a straw.

Brett only drank beer, and cheap beer.  Rand only drank liquor, but never whiskey.  My brothers will drink anything with alcohol in it, but they claim to appreciate the finer taste of well aged whiskey.  They’re full of crap.

So you can’t tell a boy just by what he drinks.  Or even just if he has a dog, not everyone who has a dog is a nice person, just think of Michael Vick. 

Even if he has an awesome dog that can sit, lie down, shake, roll over, and play dead all on command.  Even if he has a wonderful pit bull mix that he rescued from the pound, and he takes on long walks everyday and to the park every weekend, there’s still the chance that he had sex with some stranger in his fiancé’s car.  There’s still the chance that he’s an asshole.  So really there’s just no way to tell.  

untitled

When you want to be funny, you can't cry real tears.  People can always tell the difference between fake tears and real tears.  Fake tears are ok, if you want to be funny.

If you think it is a good idea to tell your ex-boyfriend that the terms and conditions of your break up have not been met and thus your break up is void, then you need to be able to handle the fact that he might not be amused.  Even if he said that he wanted to hang out with you and be friends after your relationship ended, even if he offered to watch your Great Dane, Pongo the next time you needed to go out of town, he might have meant it in a different way than the contractual agreement you imagined. 

You need to be able to take it, without any sign of real tears when he doesn't think you threatening to start dating again if these terms and conditions are not met, is amusing.  Even if this means silly love notes in pink and purple marker on his car (reading: I LOVE YOU or YOU'RE SO HOT AND SPECIAL LIKE TACO SAUCE) or cookies, or hugs.  

If your ex-boyfriend has been ignoring you for a month or two now, this might not actually be the best way to handle the situation, no matter how entertaining it seems at first.  Because next to being ignored your least favorite thing is probably when you get the feeling that people think you are crazy, and when your ex-boyfriend asks "What is the point of all this anyway?"  That is exactly what he is thinking.  Because even though you meant it to be comical, and you know relationships don't start or end the same way as a lease agreement or any other form of contract you learned about your first year at law school, you thought your logic was well thought out and rational. 

But you can't cry, because you are supposed to be funny, and crying is not funny, especially when you're crying because it really hurts, that your ex-boyfriend would so much rather ignore you than deal with the situation you presented in this ironic and witty way.  So don't cry when all this happens.  Swallow that lump in your throat that hurts so bad, and laugh at how you managed to date someone for so long who didn't have a sense of humor,  a math major who can't understand clear logic. 

Dear Mrs. Hudgins

Dear Mrs Hudgins,

I hope you will accept my sincere apologies.  It was not my intention then, nor is it now to have upset you.  I was being very selfish after all, when I decided to get rid of the Christmas tree, three days before Christmas.   Jane and Zach understood, so I thought I was being fare, but you are right.  I did not think about the neighbors, and how it would affect their Christmas spirit.  So I am sorry.

But if you must now, Mrs Hudgins my main concern is for the health and well being of my family.  And this Christmas might be ruined, but I'm trying to preserve something much larger than that, my sanity and theirs.  See Ted left.  It was four days ago now.  He told the kids, but just left me a nasty note telling me he did not love me anymore.  My hope is to be long gone by the time he comes back, and I know he will come back, because he left his precious bass guitar in the basement (although I think he hid it from me because it was not in its usual spot and he anticipated some retaliation).  He could not live without that you know.  But me and the kids, he could easily live without us.  Jane is handling it all very well if you must know, but Zach is horribly torn up about it.  And so I'm sorry to ruin your Christmas with our family drama, but well life happens.  If you see Ted once we're gone feel free to let him know how our tree being on the curb the Monday before Christmas truly upset you.  As it is, all his fault. 

Sincerely,
mary beth