Hyperspace

I imagine that driving in the snow, with the white flakes headed in all directions as they hit your windshield, is a lot like driving through hyperspace drunk.  Like Han Solo and Lei driving through hyperspace, that’s me in a snowstorm. 

I like to talk about Star Wars with people I don’t know, when we first meet.  I think you can tell a lot about a person by what they watch, read…do.  I don’t recall if Spencer liked Star Wars.  Spencer was a law student at Georgia State; he liked the playground that we went to when we were all drunk, and he liked whiskey.  You can never tell much about a guy by what he drinks though, unless he drinks it through a straw.

Brett only drank beer, and cheap beer.  Rand only drank liquor, but never whiskey.  My brothers will drink anything with alcohol in it, but they claim to appreciate the finer taste of well aged whiskey.  They’re full of crap.

So you can’t tell a boy just by what he drinks.  Or even just if he has a dog, not everyone who has a dog is a nice person, just think of Michael Vick. 

Even if he has an awesome dog that can sit, lie down, shake, roll over, and play dead all on command.  Even if he has a wonderful pit bull mix that he rescued from the pound, and he takes on long walks everyday and to the park every weekend, there’s still the chance that he had sex with some stranger in his fiancé’s car.  There’s still the chance that he’s an asshole.  So really there’s just no way to tell.  

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When you want to be funny, you can't cry real tears.  People can always tell the difference between fake tears and real tears.  Fake tears are ok, if you want to be funny.

If you think it is a good idea to tell your ex-boyfriend that the terms and conditions of your break up have not been met and thus your break up is void, then you need to be able to handle the fact that he might not be amused.  Even if he said that he wanted to hang out with you and be friends after your relationship ended, even if he offered to watch your Great Dane, Pongo the next time you needed to go out of town, he might have meant it in a different way than the contractual agreement you imagined. 

You need to be able to take it, without any sign of real tears when he doesn't think you threatening to start dating again if these terms and conditions are not met, is amusing.  Even if this means silly love notes in pink and purple marker on his car (reading: I LOVE YOU or YOU'RE SO HOT AND SPECIAL LIKE TACO SAUCE) or cookies, or hugs.  

If your ex-boyfriend has been ignoring you for a month or two now, this might not actually be the best way to handle the situation, no matter how entertaining it seems at first.  Because next to being ignored your least favorite thing is probably when you get the feeling that people think you are crazy, and when your ex-boyfriend asks "What is the point of all this anyway?"  That is exactly what he is thinking.  Because even though you meant it to be comical, and you know relationships don't start or end the same way as a lease agreement or any other form of contract you learned about your first year at law school, you thought your logic was well thought out and rational. 

But you can't cry, because you are supposed to be funny, and crying is not funny, especially when you're crying because it really hurts, that your ex-boyfriend would so much rather ignore you than deal with the situation you presented in this ironic and witty way.  So don't cry when all this happens.  Swallow that lump in your throat that hurts so bad, and laugh at how you managed to date someone for so long who didn't have a sense of humor,  a math major who can't understand clear logic. 

Dear Mrs. Hudgins

Dear Mrs Hudgins,

I hope you will accept my sincere apologies.  It was not my intention then, nor is it now to have upset you.  I was being very selfish after all, when I decided to get rid of the Christmas tree, three days before Christmas.   Jane and Zach understood, so I thought I was being fare, but you are right.  I did not think about the neighbors, and how it would affect their Christmas spirit.  So I am sorry.

But if you must now, Mrs Hudgins my main concern is for the health and well being of my family.  And this Christmas might be ruined, but I'm trying to preserve something much larger than that, my sanity and theirs.  See Ted left.  It was four days ago now.  He told the kids, but just left me a nasty note telling me he did not love me anymore.  My hope is to be long gone by the time he comes back, and I know he will come back, because he left his precious bass guitar in the basement (although I think he hid it from me because it was not in its usual spot and he anticipated some retaliation).  He could not live without that you know.  But me and the kids, he could easily live without us.  Jane is handling it all very well if you must know, but Zach is horribly torn up about it.  And so I'm sorry to ruin your Christmas with our family drama, but well life happens.  If you see Ted once we're gone feel free to let him know how our tree being on the curb the Monday before Christmas truly upset you.  As it is, all his fault. 

Sincerely,
mary beth