General Apathy

stains

2012-01-08T21:00:00.001-08:00

I don't know why, but it's always easiest to change my sheets in my underwear. It's probably because it's easiest to change my sheets when I've just gotten out of the shower, that idea of being so clean, so fresh, with new clean sheets and a new clean self. It's the perfect way to go to bed, even if your hair is still wet.
But today I'm only changing one of my sheets. The flat sheet to the blue flannel set I wanted to put on got ripped in the dryer and I've only had them a month, so it's pretty lousy, but as they are solid colored, they will be easier to replace. The fitted sheet that was on my bed, got pissed on. Not because I was so retarded drunk that I pissed my own bed, like I've known many drunk people to do, but because my dog slept in a little too late this morning. Yeah my dog pissed my bed. And I didn't think to pretreat with my Spray & Wash stick, because I didn't think it would stain, but I should know by now, that everything stains one way or another, either its all over your sheets or it's forever fixed in your memory. And either way, it sucks.

on journalism....

2012-01-06T07:59:00.000-08:00

    The first article I ever wrote for my journalism class in college was about eating healthy on campus. I let my roommate read it and she said she was surprised at how good it was. She said it was funny and clever and informative. She was older than me and normally one of my harshest critics so I was excited to turn it in and see what my professor thought. I ended up getting a C, which was utterly disappointing. She said that is was well written but lacked any real investigative reporting. She said the information I provided was not new or interesting but merely stuff that most people on campus already knew.
   I was bummed, but have since learned that to really write something worth reading you need to dig for some good information, so imagine my disappointment when every time I read an article lately about eating healthy or going green I feel like I could have written the same exact one without any research at all. Why does Laura Turner Seydel get to write articles about going green, when she is obviously already wealthy and I could do it much better? Why does Gigi Stewart get to write about going gluten free, when she couldn't tell me anything I didn't already know, and I still feel like I could tell her some things. I don't even have a gluten allergy. I don't think InTown Atlanta is that great of a newspaper, but if you think I didn't volunteer myself to write articles for them, for free already and get turned down, then you're wrong.
   I have lots of opinions. I'm full of useful information. I'm not particularly good at spelling. Why can't someone pay me to write things?

The 10 best songs you've never heard

2012-01-03T13:52:00.001-08:00

1) Swans- the format

2) Exeter, Rhode Island- Jennifer O'Connor

3) Get Around-Pablo

4) Gone, Gone, Gone- John Ralston

5) Til It's Done to Death- John Nolan

6) Around the Bend-The Asteroids Galaxy Tour

7) People Have a Way- Matt Pond PA

8) Honk and Wave- Limbeck

9) The Sad Waltzes of Pietro Crespi- Owen

10) Kill Monsters in the Rain- Steel Train

brett

2011-12-04T19:58:00.005-08:00

He drives a blue pick up truck. It's not a Ford or a Chevy; it's a Nissan, and its bright blue, like the color of a gem you'd wear on a necklace. It's a truck your brother would call gay, and your niece would call it a baby. He doesn't remember the time you drove it though, so when he starts to tell you what it looks like to describe his house, you remind him. And he still doesn't remember.

           He doesn't remember calling you frantically that night at 3 in the morning and leaving you a long message about how he was scared and cold, and needed a ride, or the text message he sent you that read "HELP ME!!!." He sent it to you 4 times, before you called him back. By that time he had found a ride and was waiting for some anti-drunk driving service that was willing to drive him and his truck to his house for more than your weekly paycheck. You offered to go pick him up, so he'd stop complaining about the cold and so maybe you could get some sleep even if it wasn't in your own bed.
           You called him back on the way, so he could give you directions. He wasn't very helpful, but you mostly knew where you were going. He told you about his conversation with his other ride, the one he had to cancel. They had already started in his direction when he called, now they'd have to turn around, all because of you. He told them that he had a beautiful girl coming to pick him up instead, and they said "Lucky you," but weren't actually happy for him. He probably doesn't remember calling you beautiful. He probably didn't mean to do it, but it was pretty flattering at the time.
           When you got there he was waiting in his truck, playing music you had never heard before, some jam band, so loud that the bass made you think your phone might be vibrating, but no one else would call you at this hour. He was parked in a shopping center, a dry cleaners and a sandwich shop that wouldn't open again for the next 5 hours. There was no one else around, and all the store fronts were dark without their neon lights. You understood why he was scared. He didn't want to leave his truck there overnight, his beloved truck, with more than your cars blue book value in stereo equipment. So you left your car there instead. Your little Volvo 240 would be safe, where he was not.

You drove him and his truck to his house, where you had been just once before, but you found your way with little help from him. The first time he called you and asked you to come over and snuggle was about a month after you met him. A month after you lied to him at a bar and told him your name was Eden, because you were 19, and that is what your fake ID said. You let him call you Eden for over a week before you told him you had lied. It seemed so sketchy; you're still surprised he talked to you after that. You're still saved in his phone as Ed, but he knows that's not your name.

He was the first boy you ever kissed who owned a house. It was small and quaint, blue with darker blue shutters. His living room then had just a couch and a TV, now it has another love seat and a chair, a fish tank in the corner. He has two goldfish, but they don't have names.

When you got to his house this second time he wanted to listen to more Wide Spread Panic. You went with him to his bedroom and got in bed. You took off your jeans but kept on everything else. You got under his clean white sheets, under his thick fleece blanket. It was five in the morning. He told you what it was like to trip on acid, something you had never wondered about before then. He told you how all his senses were heightened and when you started to run your fingers up and down his chest you thought he might explode with pleasure, but he didn't. He just told you not to stop. So you let your hand wander aimlessly over his body. It was the least sexual touching you've ever done to a naked man. He's still the smoothest boy you've ever known.

He was so happy you were there. He told you so many times. Every night you were there, all three of them, it was like he had been alone his whole life, like he hadn't touched a woman in years. He seemed so happy to have you there that second night, it made you wonder why you never went back, not for a whole year. He must have forgotten how good you felt between his sheets, just like he forgot calling you beautiful, and forgot you driving his truck.

You've seen him a few times in between but you never talked when you ran into each other at a bar. He was with a girl sometimes, so you let left him alone. So most of the time he just sent you a message when he was drunk, sometimes you would respond, and sometimes you wouldn't. And you feel like such a booty call, but you never sleep with him, even though you want to, and he wants to. But he never has a condom and you don't tell him that there is one in your purse, because you can't sleep with someone who only talks to you when he's been drinking. Who you only really see twice a year.

And the last time you were there it was great. You had a bad night and a bottle of cheap wine and then he sent you a message: "Come over," so you did. And he told you what his truck looks like, and gave you directions to his house. The same house that you know just where is, and think of every time you pass his exit on your way to the airport.

You sat on the same couch and talked until he said he was tired. His house was cold in early fall because his heater was broken. He considered giving you a pair of his pajama pants when he noticed how cold you looked, but decided out loud that the less clothes you had on, the better. So you got in his bed and under the covers with him to get warm, without your jeans and without your sweater. You waited for him to get close, and your lips met his in a way that seemed so familiar, like you could have been lovers for years. He told you he loved it when you bit his lip, and he peeled more and more clothes off until you were both naked with nothing to do.

Because you can't sleep with him until he meets your dog. Not because you believe your dog is this wonderful judge of character, but because you have met his dogs. All three of them and you know all of their names. Charlie, Houser, and Trout. Houser was just a puppy that first time you were there, and now he's big, or at least as big as a Basset Hound gets. But he still thinks you have a Great Dane. If he ever came over to your house, he would meet your dog, he'd know you had some sort of pointer mix, but he won't. Because that would be him showing an interest in something other than your body, your face, your lips, and if he did that he might be worth sleeping with, but he won't. So you don't have to worry.

oh NaNo...

2011-11-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

Hannah was sleeping soundly in her bedroom at midnight of August 23^rd 2008. She slept on the bottom bunk in the corner of her blue room. She was snuggled deep into the covers, and she pulled them up to her ears, so her face was barely visible. She did this because she had felt a cold breeze, and then almost as if it had been an alarm clock she woke up. She sat perched on the edge of her bed and waited. She didn’t have to wait very long, the cold breeze had been the beginning of what she knew must be coming. And slowly the breeze got stronger, making what looked like a tiny little tornado in her room, but without moving any of her belongings or even moving her long brown hair. Suddenly the wind stopped and a man appeared out of thin air into her bedroom. He had on a mask, but Hannah could still tell that he was startled to see her waiting for him. He was dressed all in black and had a number of funny gadgets that Hannah had never seen before. “what are you doing up so late, Hannah?”

Hannah didn’t seem surprised that he knew her name. “I have to stop you.”

The man seemed even more startled now, and he looked at Hannah through the tiny holes in his mask, like she was the most fearsome thing in the universe. He stepped back from her, and she started to cry.

“You can’t kill my father, you just can’t,” she said while sobbing.

The man stared at her for only a moment, before he ran out of her bedroom door.

bad writing....

2011-08-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

....I promise there will be a good story in here somewhere.

Jessica woke up on Sunday morning confused. The previous night was a blur of sipping and spilling drinks. As she opened her eyes she struggled decide at whose apartment she must have past out. Her head was surprisingly ache free and she assumed she must still be drunk, but as she looked around the room she realized where she was. She was not on a friend’s couch but instead in her old bedroom at her parents house. She was horrified. How obnoxiously drunk must she have been for her friends to drop her off with her parents of all people at some ungodly hour of the morning? She laid in bed thinking for awhile before she even noticed the calender.

It had all started a few weeks back when Jessica ran into Trevor. Trevor had been one of her many love interests in college, but it had never panned out the way it should have. He was always going abroad or seeing someone else, and Jessica did her fair share of the same, but they both seemed to know it eventually would happen. But it didn’t ever happen, and when she ran into Trevor just 17 days ago there was a sense of regret she had not expected. Especially since it was the day after her long time boyfriend had proposed to her. She was so excited to finally start her life with him, to see Trevor felt like a punch in the stomach. He was nice, and just like she remembered and she tried so hard to suppress the feelings she felt rising up inside her. She knew she couldn’t move forward in her life without at least entertaining the idea that she could be happy with Trevor, but no self respecting man, especially not her fiance would wait around for her to figure things out.

She reached for her phone on her bedside table and was surprised to see it plugged in and charging.    She felt momentarily proud of her drunken for thought, but that feeling quickly evaporated as the confusion of why her phone had morphed from an iphone to an old nokia. She picked up the phone; struggling to remember how to use it, she searched through her recent calls and text messages. None of her friends from the night before showed up. She searched through her contacts looking for someone to answer the questions racing through her head now. She did not want to go talk to her parents with no recollection of the night before or how she ended up there. But she seemed to be missing most of her friends from her contact list. A feeling of dread sunk in as she noticed her most recent call was to Trevor at 11pm.

Just then her mother knocked on the door, and pushed it open slightly. “Jessica, It’s time to get up. The race is in 45 minutes.” “What race?” She replied not even taking into account the fact that her mom didn’t seem at all surprised to see her. “the turkey trot. you know the one we go to every thanksgiving since you were about 10.”   Jessica stared at her blankly not putting any of the pieces together. “I think you had too much to drink last night, I know the night before thanksgiving is the best night to go out and see your friends but you should have maybe had a few less. I think you’re still drunk. who drove you home last night?” Jessica thought her mom was right about still being drunk but she also thought she must not be understanding her correctly. “It’s thanksgiving?” was all she came up with. “yes It’s thanksgiving.   hurry up and get dressed so we can run this race. I’ll even let you go back to bed afterwards.” Her mom left and shut the door behind her, leaving her more confused than ever. She looked at her phone and remembered in college how she had one just like it. She got up and out from under the covers and realized she was in her favorite pajama bottoms and a long sleeve t-shirt she got from a race in high school. She searched her bedroom for her clothes from the night before. She had been wearing striped shorts and a tank top. She had carried her new pink lesportsac. She couldn’t find any of it. She looked at her phone again. It said the date was Thursday November 28th. She turned to the calender above her desk, where her laptop sat covered in stickers. It showed the picture for October but the year was 2007.
She had no idea what was going on but as her mother yelled again to hurry up, she grabbed a sports bra and shorts from her closet and got dressed to run the turkey trot.

The race seemed like a dream to her. She saw all the same people she always saw on thanksgiving day, but they seemed more familiar than ever. her eyes were drawn to Mr. Blake’s large hat that was shaped like a turkey, and as soon as she saw it she thought “not again” but everyone else seemed to be seeing it for the first time. She ran the race, determined to finish as soon as possible so she could go back to bed, but her legs seemed to refuse her. She still got third place in her age group.

Her mom lectured her on the way home, “I know you’re tired, but I don’t really get your attitude right now?” “I’m sorry, mom” “you know when you go back to school,” Jessica imagined she was a dog and her ears perked up. she had graduated several years ago, was she talking about grad school? “if you want your dad to keep putting five hundred in a month, I think you need to act a little more like we’re your parents.” Jessica just stared blankly back at her mother. She hadn’t gotten an allowance since junior year.

old friends

2011-08-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school I told people that if they stopped being friends with me they would get fat. I don't remember what friend it was that did this, or who I threatened with this power the most. But I remember the theory now because, in the past two years all of the people that fall out of friendship with me seem to gain a lot of weight. And in high school when I claimed it as my power, it was a means of revenge. But now I just feel guilty.

I guess that something's got to happen soon....

2011-08-18T06:15:00.000-07:00

....Because I know I can't keep living in this dead or dying dream.

Normally around spring time every year, when I see congratulations banners in neighbors front lawns, and hear about graduating seniors every which way, I feel a sad sense of nostalgia. It was over three years ago now, that I graduated, and sometime before that I realized that not much was going to change when I did. I always imagined growing up that I would have a job right out of college. I don't know if I am supposed to blame tv, my parents, or just my silly naivety, but that obviously is not what happened.

I haven't felt down about it in a long time. Even though friends of mine, with more targeted majors, have gone on and gotten real jobs where they use their degrees and get paid more money than me. Somehow I had been avoiding the feeling of doom when you realize your life is not going quite as planned.

This year fall brought with it the doom I had been avoiding for so long. It maybe creeped up on me slowly throughout the spring and summer, and maybe its only August and fall is still two months away. But the kids are back in school now, and I am back where I was six years ago, except for the one small difference being my bachelors degree. So changes have to be made. Dreams have to be realized. Wisdom teeth should probably get pulled. But looking back, this is not what this blog was supposed to be about.

a wishlist of sorts.

2011-06-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes all I want is a job, and a god, and a wife." ....it plays in my head regularly.

I was thinking on my walk today that all I want is a house. As I passed lovely stone, brick, stucko houses with yards blooming with sunflowers, petunias, tomatoes, i really thought all I want is a house and a lawn. But that's not quite true.

All I want is a living space where I can have room to garden. I want rows of tomato plants, and jalapenos, cayenne peppers, and cucumbers. I want giant sunflowers close to the house reaching just over the gutters and shorter ones clustered closer to the road. I want a small herb garden I can move into the greenhouse or put in a sunny window during the winter. I want to be able to let the dogs out to potty late at night and not worry they'll get hit by cars. Jameson can hold it forever now but that won't always be the case. I want to be prepared. And I want to have enough space and nice enough neighbors to have a few birds to lay eggs in case Spiderman wants to eat an egg. I'd be ok with just one but I think she would get lonely. I think two or three will do, chickens or ducks. I'm not that picky.

the weather is nice today

2011-05-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

Today the bitter cold weather reflects my mood perfectly
and I thank mother nature for being so accommodating.
It is something, not much,
but something to be happy about.
I've spent the last week constantly on the verge of tears but they never fall.
They stay,
keeping the pressure high in my head,
creating a constant head ache
and heavy weight I feel on my chest
with every breath I take.

practice

2011-05-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

Everything I read about writing tells me in order to be good at it I need to do it everyday. I'm finding that particularly difficult, because I don't always have something to say. I understand the concept, practice makes perfect, but lately I can only write anything worth reading when I am feeling particularly ripe with emotion.

I don't hate Hollywood for my distorted body image. I don't hate Hollywood for making me think that at 118 I'd still look a lot better if I lost five pounds. I think beauty should be something worth striving towards constantly. It should be hard to obtain and always slightly out of reach. I think if all the models and actresses looked just like me they would have no right to be famous and wealthy, and partly that's true either way.

But what I really hate Hollywood for is making me feel unsuccessful. I'm 24 and I have a college degree and I am not horribly discontent with my life, but Hollywood makes me feel a lot more like a failure. In shows like Ally Mcbeal people my age drive brand new Saabs and make six figures. In movies people always get married when they're my age and have a house and kid two years later, all the while maintaining their lovely careers that they got right out of college. I know a house and kid aren't in my near future and I'm ok with that. Why do shows and movies have to make me feel bad about?

Dear Officer Peterson,

2011-04-19T20:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Officer Peterson,

A month ago when you pulled me over, you were pleasant and I appreciated that. I had a car filled with children and you did your best to help me calm down. When you wrote me a ticket for an expired tag, I didn't immediately hate you. I thanked you even, when you told me that if I got my vehicle registered soon the judge would probably reduce the fine or dismiss my ticket. It was nice of you also to mention that I should keep the ticket in my car so if I got pulled over for the same expired tag, the next officer would be less likely to give me a second ticket.
When I went to court today after having my car re-registered within 24 hours of receiving that ticket I felt confident based on the wonderful experience I had being pulled over. Surely court could not be the worst part of any ordeal involving police and tickets. But Dekalb County Recorders Court is probably the closest I have come to hell on earth. It sits among rows of what looked like abandoned buildings, along side animal control, and the dump. I had to pay five dollars just to park, so I could sit in court and be treated like a petty criminal. The judge did not care that I had registered my vehicle so soon after learning my tag had expired. The fact that I was driving an unregistered vehicle was all that mattered. And I probably could have dealt with handing over all of the money I made over the weekend running my ass off waiting tables, but on top of that to have to sit in court and waste another three hours of my life, and then have to pay for parking and another five dollars in ATM fees just to get out of there without having to go on probation. All of that was too much.

So thank you Officer Peterson for giving me the opportunity to see how shitty my life really could be.

Thanks,
Gillian

depression hurts....

2011-03-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

Dear Strangers that may or may not read this,

I am deeply sorry that I do not write more often. I should. I can never become a writer writing so infrequently. I am also sorry that whenever I do write it is rarely to inform you of positive news.

I am depressed. At least I think that I might have some symptoms, similar to what a doctor could diagnose as depression. And that in and of itself makes me sad. A close friend once said "Gillian, how come you never get depressed?" And I didn't know how to respond because I was unaware at the time that I was supposed to be getting depressed now and then, but now being depressed the whole thing just sucks.

I blame the weather. It's been raining for at least five days now, and when I tried to go plant flowers (which is my new hobby to pull me out of my "would be" depression) I think I accidentally cut seven worms in half trying to dig three 1" holes. That just made me depressed. Those poor worms, even if I didn't kill them, being cut in half sucks, trying to regrow your other half? that sounds exhausting. I can't even imagine.

So I've given up gardening until the weather is a little nicer, and the worms go back into their proper places, deep in the soil. But I feel the need to make not just my apartment beautiful, but the whole building because my upstairs neighbor who used to do that, she died. It's possible that I have no right to be sad about this, but I am. I saw her daily. I am not sure what her name was but her dog was named Gigi. I found out that Gigi was going to go live out in the country, with her former dog sitter, and that just made me sad. It shouldn't, it seems like a good life for a dog. But thinking about the life of a dog after the life of it's owner that is pretty sad. I struggle to think of my life without Jameson. I think his life without me would be pretty upsetting too.

But also the idea that someone who was a part of my life, be it a very small part of my life, is gone, forever is horribly depressing. I won't ever hear her pull out the hose and start watering the flowers, or see her walking the dog. I won't ever have her complain about my trash can staying on the street too long, or hear her loud jeep pull up to the parking spot right outside my window. Maybe I wouldn't have missed those things normally. But now I will. It wasn't long ago at all that she came and knocked on my door wondering if we had received her package by mistake. I wonder what it was? i wonder if she got to enjoy it before she went to the hospital with pneumonia. I wonder if she'd be proud of how pretty I made the front steps with flowers and greens, if she hadn't gotten that blood clot...

things i like....

2011-02-24T07:20:00.000-08:00

Lately everything I write is angry, venting rants. And while it does feel nice to let it all out I thought I would try something different.

The weather has taken a turn for the nice, and it's odd how suddenly I love my life. I have been able to go on long walks with Jameson in Keegan everyday since the weather had been nice. We take pictures of things that are weird, and we walk for hours in the beautiful weather. Some people get to do that on weekends (not me) but the fact that I get to sleep until 10 and get up and enjoy the beautiful weather "makes me, Amber Atkins proud to be an american," no scratch that just happy.
I also love my car in the early spring (or February?). When the weather is nice I can open my sunroof and listen to kevin devine with the windows all down. It's lovely. And my car is clean so I love it even more than normal right now. I know a lot of people love their cars, but I think I am one of few people (even fewer people with my income) that are close to owning their dream car. Nigel is my dream car. He is all I could ever really want. I can fit 3 sets of golf clubs in my trunk, or 2 car seats and a 40lb bag of dog food. I have non-leather heated seats. I get 20 miles per gallon in town, which would suck if I had just bought my car, although I think 20mpg still counts as good if its an SUV, but my car is 21 years old. He's perfect. Except not really. He's rusty and he needs new ball joints and lower control arms. But I think he'll make it. We'll replace each part slowly and carefully and then when his suspension isn't deteriorating anymore we can give him a shiny new paint job (maybe with glitter too) and he will be my dream car. So close....

continued again....

2011-02-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

I didn't sit on it because it seemed like it might break.

Toys meet the elements.

A week of nice weather (continued)....

2011-02-17T09:32:00.000-08:00

I like these roots.

I tried to get a picture of Jameson in the hollow log, but he wouldn't stay still. Same with Keegan.

If I could have gottena picture of Keegan peing on it, that would have been better.

This is one of my many dream houses.

a week of nice weather...

2011-02-16T19:41:00.000-08:00

The picture doesn't do this house justice. you have to cross a bridge from the driveway to get to it.

some people have interesting valentine's day decorations

Why my dog is a better person than you are.

2011-02-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

I like to think that I am a passionate person. I care about many things very passionately; one of these things is sports. i love sports. I love watching them; I love playing them. And on this particular Superbowl Sunday I tried so hard to not care at all, because I was tired of being disappointed in things over which I have no control. So I really didn't care if the Packers beat the steelers of vice versa. I wanted to care, I did, but I wasn't going to invest too much energy into it.
Some might say that you can't be that rational about the things you are passionate about, because really how many of the things in this world do we really have a say in? Not that many. But I like to think when I buy organic shade grown coffee from Nicaragua I am helping support the economy of one of the poorest nations in central america. I like to think that by buying my books at Eagle Eye I am keeping some of my neighbors from loosing jobs, or even worse, maybe their house.
I feel passionately also, that people shouldn't eat meat. The idea of eating a dead rotting carcass is pretty disgusting to me and it's one I can't wrap my head around, and haven't been able to for the last 9 years of my life. Every time I smell wings at work, and think maybe those would taste good, but I look at the bones sticking out from the smothered meat and think those are bones of an animal, bones of a once living, breathing, thinking, feeling animal. It makes me not so hungry. I don't have to think about all the horrible practices of a factory farm to make me lose my appetite for meat; I just have to think of an animal, any animal and think "would I eat that?" But I still don't get how so many people can be so willing to ignore what is so obvious.

I know not everyone is horrified by the idea of eating an animal. People hunt, and they eat it and that makes sense...maybe...a little bit, but not to me. If I could chose to eat an apple or go kill a deer. I would always chose the apple. Even if those were my only two choices for the rest of my life. Every time I would chose the apple. People will argue that we are meant to eat meat, because we are human and we are at the top of the food chain. because we are smarter we should eat meat. But I think because we're smarter doesn't that mean we shouldn't eat meat? my dog can't make the connection that his food used to be a living animal. he sees a squirrel and he chases it but he doesn't really understand why. I don't chase a squirrel, I don't have that instinct. or his teeth/jaw for that matter. doesn't that mean I shouldn't be eating meat?

People are always telling me they are just stupid animals, that they don't matter. It is more important to have and taste bacon than to assume that a pig is actually a really intelligent animal, smarter than your three year old kid. But where are they getting this?
One night when I was walking my dog, Jameson, we heard the squeal of an animal, probably a dog being stepped on accidentally in front of a neighbors house, and we continued walking. My dog pulled so hard to go back to where we heard the noise, and for the next ten minutes once we arrived back home stood in the window looking out and howling. he stopped only when I took him back out and walked to the neighbors house. They were outside with a tiny new puppy. Jameson saw the puppy we had heard, and when he saw it was ok he was fine and walked back home with me and went to sleep.
If my dog can care that much about a puppy he's never met, how can people tell me that we are better than the animals we eat. Why are we so special that we get to decide which animals life is worth taking, based on taste? based on intelligence? My dog has a clearer moral conscience than michael pollan.

Anything you can do I can do better.

2011-02-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

I applied for a job today. I haven't done that in almost two years. I applied for lots of jobs when I graduated college. I got this itch like I was supposed to be a grown up. Wake up early in the morning, not get drunk on wednesday nights. It eventually went away. I realized I wasn't in any hurry to grow up. I love getting drunk on weekdays. The bars are emptier and the beer is cheaper. Who wants to be a grown up? Not me. I have two jobs, none of which is in any way "real." But I pay my bills. I get by. But lately....the itch is back.

My friends from high school have real jobs: as physical therapists or working in nuclear power plants. The friends that don't have real jobs are getting doctorate degrees. The kid I pick up from school everyday, his 5th grade teacher is two years younger than me. And my favorite person to work with on Saturday mornings, just quit waiting tables with me.....to get a "real" job. So I've got that itch again. I don't want to be a grown up. I want to write a novel and become rich. I want my boyfriend to create an iPhone app and become rich. I want grown up things like a house, and a yard. But I don't want the 9-5. It doesn't work. I don't fit in that box. But I applied for a job today because it made sense. I scratched the itch, and now I hope it goes away.

2011-01-26T20:04:00.000-08:00

This week, and maybe last week I've realized I hate a lot of people. Maybe that makes me sound, grouchy, but... lately I have been very grouchy. After a nice walk home in the cold after work on Sunday, I found myself crying for absolutely no reason. No one was particularly cruel to me at work, no one flagged me down or yelled my name loudly across the restaurant to tell me their diet coke tasted flat. But I think anyone who has ever waited tables for a significant amount of time starts to hate people. My father used to always say something along the lines of "Your mother waited tables for one summer, and I've been paying for it ever since." It makes sense now. I judge someone as soon as they walk in, what they're wearing, how they walk, all telling me whether they're going to be worth my time. I love to be proven wrong, and it does happen, sometimes.

Lately it seems that I am just over my neighborhood though. I got yelled at by some guy unloading his car, that he parked on the wrong side of the street, but he decided to yell loudly at me because I didn't fully stop at a stop sign, on the bottom of a hill. It was late. I was tired. If he had been a cop, I would have thought it appropriate, but no he was just a stupid guy who bought way too much bottled water.

And then there's the emails. I joined a neighborhood yahoo! group a few years ago after a friend got mugged. Its helpful because they send emails, a run down of the crimes in the neighborhood, who's having a sale, if someone needs a babysitter. A lot of good has come from it. I found my leather repair specialist from kind neighbors who shared their experiences with me. But then there's the guy who gets all upset because someone put dog poop in his trash can. And I want to scream at him, because if his biggest problem is dog poop in a city of Atlanta Herby Kerby than I think we should all be so lucky. I want to take my dogs on walks only by his house and leave all the poop in his lawn because he said that would be preferable to it being in his trash can. And then there's the Grassfed beef guy. Anytime a restaurant mentions grass fed beef he emails us all to tell us about it. I don't think he realizes that the grass fed cow who died to make his hamburger is just as likely to be skinned while alive and fully conscious, and just as apt to be butchered and have their feet cut off while they are still breathing as a cow that lived on a feed lot it's whole life. If he ever comes in to moes and joes I'll let him know.

I know I'm sounding bitter again, like when I hated christmas. But I do hate people. I used to only hate five people in the world, now I feel like it's everyone with a palin sticker on their car. I think the more I know about the world, the more I grow to hate it, but sometimes I like people too...

I was dreading getting my oil changed. I was preparing for the lecture of how I should have done it 700 miles ago, or the one about my brakes, or tires, or even just my headlight being out (I bought a bulb I just need to put it in), but they never came. My oil change took thirty minutes and if I hadn't had the bright idea to go for a long walk in the cold with the dogs on a busy street it would have been one of my most pleasant car experiences ever. As it was, my hands went numb and I yelled at the dogs a lot for pulling, and for pooping SIX times.
After, I went to buy coffee at Atlanta Coffee Roasters because I had so much time and I am never in that area, but they have a huge variety of beans so it's always worth the trip. The guy in line three people in front of me had ordered five pounds of coffee all ground finely. I hated him I'm not going to lie. Why did he not buy a coffee grinder and do it himself? He was obviously a coffee snob because he said this was the only store in the area (the whole atlanta area, as he was already driving thirty minutes from home) that had good coffee. He said every month he had to make a coffee run. Well dumbass, if you bought yourself a grinder that coffee would stay fresh longer, it would be easier to store, and you wouldn't be holding up the line. But I will say that I loved everyone else in that line with me. The girl behind him ordered two coffees, and even though she really wanted cream she waited until I said something when it was my turn in line instead of charging back to the front to tell them they had run out of cream. The guy behind her kindly waited while the man made him a swiss chocolate latte, that he had clearly never made before, and was surprised to see it on the menu. Both of them tipped him, and were nice even though it had taken much longer than they probably would have liked to get their beverages. And I loved the man behind the counter too. Not just because he looked like Santa Clause, but possibly because he reminded me of my own father. He wasn't supposed to be making lattes that morning, but one of his employees was at the doctor's and he listened patiently while she explained on the phone that she will be there as soon as she could. It wasn't a warm tingly feeling that I got or anything. I loved them, just as much as I truly hate all the others. But it was very real. I knew that man, his employees, the people in that shop, they were all real that day. They all had real problems, places to be, wives, kids, jobs, and I saw more of in fifteen minutes than was normal. I spend hours with people while they sit and eat, never thinking that they are real. They are just customers that maybe will tip me. The people in my neighborhood are just emails, or people yelling at me, sometimes their women with jogging strollers, but they're not real. They don't have problems. I wanted to jump behind the counter and help the owner make espresso, pour coffee, find the creamer. I could have done it. I could have helped. I could have been real too, but I didn't.

a rant of sorts

2010-12-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

I know I never post and we can all agree that's fair because no one ever reads this but after riding in the car for 40+ hours in the past week some thoughts have come to mind that I should probably right down.

First of all I hate Christmas. I love the idea of having an excuse to give people presents, I love giving and getting presents, but I still hate Christmas. And more than that I hate Thanksgiving. it's not just because I'm vegan and the fact that a national holiday celebrating our gross factory farming practices is disgusting to me, but I hate the fact that I am expected to take days off work (which means less money), travel (which means spending the money I'm not making because I took time off from work), and then I'm also supposed to buy people presents in the mean time. I love buying people presents; I just don't like to do it half assed. If I'm going to buy a present for someone I want them to really enjoy it. I want them to know I thought carefully about what to get them and knew they'd like it. So that means I'm spending more time and money on this than maybe other people are, but what is the fun in getting or giving crappy gifts? So I'm not a typical humbug, but I hate Thanksgiving and I hate Christmas. And I would be quite content if we just skipped the days between Halloween and Valentine's day, because really is there anything more dissapointing than New Year's?

Second of all....I need to write a book, but not like the weird fantastical collection of words I've been scribbling down every November. A David Sedaris or Chelsea Handler style humorous collection of embarrassing stories.   I'm thinking some about my depressing love life between the ages of 10 and 20. Or the stupid things I used to do when I was drunk. I think I could combine those though, like when I had a huge crush on Dan Trudeau when I was in 7th grade, and it was perfect because I never talked to him or saw him so he could remain perfect in my mind until a friend of mine told me he smoked weed and that was so crazy and foreign to me I was forced to move on. But then when I was 19 and drinking at a bar, I shouldn't have been drinking at, and more accepting of the fact that people smoked weed, I saw him and because I had already consumed 3 vodka cranberries, it seemed like a lovely idea to tell him that I used to have a crush on him in 7th grade, which he then seemed very pleased with and we made out in his car.
Or I could write a collection of family stories that could explain why my brother's have given me little faith in the opposite sex, and justified my perpetual fear of alcohol that I eventually overcame. thank you, oglethorpe.   So much life to right about....and I'm not even 25 yet, but I will be next November. Does a collection of short memoirs on the same topic qualify for NaNoWriMo?

Third...I hate driving in the snow. It's gaining steam and it might make it to my Top 5 Things I Hate List soon if I keep having to do it, but currently beating it on the list are: the stupid people that think any time it is cold or it snows is infallible proof that global warming is a myth. Could you be any more stupid? First (I know you love to know I can count) when it snows the temperature is relatively high: normally between 20-30. Cold winters temperatures are normally below zero.   Secondly, if it is cold it doesn't mean global warming can't exist. Scientists believe that global warming will cause erratic weather patters, say like it being 9 degrees on Sunday and then 60 on Wednesday. I'd call that erratic.
The most plausible argument for why global warming doesn't exist is the idea that it is happening it's just not man made. It's a natural cycle the world goes through based on how much trees grew in 1665. And I would buy that, maybe, if I needed a reason not to feel guilty for driving my Chevy Suburban through rush hour traffic every morning with just lonely old me inside the 8 passenger vehicle. But for those of us who aren't trying to maintain a horribly wasteful way of life it's pretty obvious that doing bad things will eventually catch up to us. Isn't that why people believe in heaven and hell? So what is the worst thing that could happen if we work to protect our environment? We might lower our cholesterol levels?

Fourth, I hate stupid people.

Dog Days of February?

2010-02-27T17:50:00.000-08:00

Hyperspace

2010-01-25T20:26:00.000-08:00

I imagine that driving in the snow, with the white flakes headed in all directions as they hit your windshield, is a lot like driving through hyperspace drunk. Like Han Solo and Lei driving through hyperspace, that’s me in a snowstorm.

I like to talk about Star Wars with people I don’t know, when we first meet. I think you can tell a lot about a person by what they watch, read…do. I don’t recall if Spencer liked Star Wars. Spencer was a law student at Georgia State; he liked the playground that we went to when we were all drunk, and he liked whiskey. You can never tell much about a guy by what he drinks though, unless he drinks it through a straw.

Brett only drank beer, and cheap beer. Rand only drank liquor, but never whiskey. My brothers will drink anything with alcohol in it, but they claim to appreciate the finer taste of well aged whiskey. They’re full of crap.

So you can’t tell a boy just by what he drinks. Or even just if he has a dog, not everyone who has a dog is a nice person, just think of Michael Vick.

Even if he has an awesome dog that can sit, lie down, shake, roll over, and play dead all on command. Even if he has a wonderful pit bull mix that he rescued from the pound, and he takes on long walks everyday and to the park every weekend, there’s still the chance that he had sex with some stranger in his fiancé’s car. There’s still the chance that he’s an asshole. So really there’s just no way to tell.

untitled

2010-01-11T14:02:00.001-08:00

When you want to be funny, you can't cry real tears. People can always tell the difference between fake tears and real tears. Fake tears are ok, if you want to be funny.

If you think it is a good idea to tell your ex-boyfriend that the terms and conditions of your break up have not been met and thus your break up is void, then you need to be able to handle the fact that he might not be amused. Even if he said that he wanted to hang out with you and be friends after your relationship ended, even if he offered to watch your Great Dane, Pongo the next time you needed to go out of town, he might have meant it in a different way than the contractual agreement you imagined.

You need to be able to take it, without any sign of real tears when he doesn't think you threatening to start dating again if these terms and conditions are not met, is amusing. Even if this means silly love notes in pink and purple marker on his car (reading: I LOVE YOU or YOU'RE SO HOT AND SPECIAL LIKE TACO SAUCE) or cookies, or hugs.

If your ex-boyfriend has been ignoring you for a month or two now, this might not actually be the best way to handle the situation, no matter how entertaining it seems at first. Because next to being ignored your least favorite thing is probably when you get the feeling that people think you are crazy, and when your ex-boyfriend asks "What is the point of all this anyway?" That is exactly what he is thinking. Because even though you meant it to be comical, and you know relationships don't start or end the same way as a lease agreement or any other form of contract you learned about your first year at law school, you thought your logic was well thought out and rational.

But you can't cry, because you are supposed to be funny, and crying is not funny, especially when you're crying because it really hurts, that your ex-boyfriend would so much rather ignore you than deal with the situation you presented in this ironic and witty way. So don't cry when all this happens. Swallow that lump in your throat that hurts so bad, and laugh at how you managed to date someone for so long who didn't have a sense of humor, a math major who can't understand clear logic.

Dear Mrs. Hudgins

2010-01-04T06:33:00.000-08:00

Dear Mrs Hudgins,

I hope you will accept my sincere apologies. It was not my intention then, nor is it now to have upset you. I was being very selfish after all, when I decided to get rid of the Christmas tree, three days before Christmas. Jane and Zach understood, so I thought I was being fare, but you are right. I did not think about the neighbors, and how it would affect their Christmas spirit. So I am sorry.

But if you must now, Mrs Hudgins my main concern is for the health and well being of my family. And this Christmas might be ruined, but I'm trying to preserve something much larger than that, my sanity and theirs. See Ted left. It was four days ago now. He told the kids, but just left me a nasty note telling me he did not love me anymore. My hope is to be long gone by the time he comes back, and I know he will come back, because he left his precious bass guitar in the basement (although I think he hid it from me because it was not in its usual spot and he anticipated some retaliation). He could not live without that you know. But me and the kids, he could easily live without us. Jane is handling it all very well if you must know, but Zach is horribly torn up about it. And so I'm sorry to ruin your Christmas with our family drama, but well life happens. If you see Ted once we're gone feel free to let him know how our tree being on the curb the Monday before Christmas truly upset you. As it is, all his fault.

Sincerely,
mary beth

Loving Me

2009-11-22T22:38:00.001-08:00

This is what it would be like to be in love with me. You would marvel at the way my calf muscles flex in three different places. The regular bulge in the back, and then the three long lean strips of muscle you can see when I stand on my heels, then the indent where that middle strip was, when I am on my toes, or in high heels.

You'd think my desire to walk everywhere was annoying at first, but when your calf muscles started to flex in three places and the belly you got from drinking too much in college disappeared, you would start to like walking with me. You'd suggest extra long walks with my dog, and your dog so when they were at home together they would be too worn out to chew on each other's faces. We'd walk to the grocery store and carry back cloth bags filled to the brim with fresh fruits and vegetables and milk made out of almonds. We'd walk to the coffee shop on cold winter mornings and walk back keeping our hands warm on our ceramic mugs that we brought from home.

You would scold me for spending extra money on recycled toilet paper, and bio degradable plastic bags to pick up dog poop. But then you'd realize how my face lit up when I read you the labels with all their environmental savyness.

You'd love the part of my stomach that I hate, the lower flabby part that never looks like muscles and I can't make go away. You'd tell me it was made just for you, a place to rest your head. But you'd also tell me it's the perfect spot for a baby to grow. And you'd mean it, but not right now.

You'd start eating more vegetables, but you'd know to keep them separate from mine. You'd know not to try to eat my broccoli because for some reason it is laced with spicy red pepper and it would burn your mouth for upwards of 15 minutes. You'd eat hummus in strange new ways. You'd eat it on sandwiches with green tomatoes and as a salad dressing, and you'd like it, a lot. You'd start liking chili that didn't have meat in it. Your cholesterol level would go way down.

You'd wake up on weekday mornings to a fresh pot of gourmet coffee. Organic and Fair Trade, and perfectly brewed. You would no longer go to cheap coffee shops to buy coffee, because you'd always be disappointed that it did not taste as good as the coffee I made you at home. You'd be amazed by my ability to tell the difference between decaf and regular just by smelling them. You'd wonder how it is that I could wake up in the morning and drink coffee with you, and then take a nap an hour later.

You'd get annoyed when I go through your garbage, picking out the things that could be recycled, and when I did it in public places, you'd yell at me to stop. But then you'd start to learn not to put them there, to save me the trouble. We'd still fight when we walked past public trash receptacles.

You'd start peeling Campbell's soup labels off of the cans and saving them for me, even though it was difficult sometimes and you didn't really know why you were doing it. You'd find a new fondness for General Mills Cereals, preferring them to other brands. You'd start cutting off the box tops, wishing that somehow you could collect the ten cents for each one, but resigning to just give them to me instead, to some school that would be able to benefit from your love of Cheerios.

You'd start to pull the tabs off of soda and beer cans and save them in a glass jar. When it would get full you'd give it to me, and you'd feel good about it, even though we both don't know where those go after we give them to the Boyscouts.

You'd change your homepage to Goodsearch.com. And you would search random words and phrases in your spare time like the difference between "laid" and "lied," and why Styrofoam is cheaper to produce than paper. You'd raise money for the Humane Society, and PAWS Atlanta, FurKids, and the American Red Cross.

You would love to watch me scream at the basketball players on TV, pretending I could control them with my words. You'd love to watch football in the fall and baseball in the summer, and you would scream at those tiny players too. You'd appreciate my indifference to your sports because it meant I didn't mind getting up to get you something with one minute left in the fourth quarter. After a while I'd start routing for your team, even when we weren't together. I'd start hating the Yankees, the Lakers and UGA.

You would love to run your fingers through my hair, even if it got stuck in a knot sometimes. You would wonder how I could possibly make it so straight one day, and so curly the next. You'd say it looked wonderful, even in the morning, during its in-between time. You'd always be carefully moving my hair out of my face, so you could see me better, so my hair would not be stuck between our lips. And you'd smooth my hair off my shoulders so you could see the bones and muscles there, and all those freckles and crisscrossing tan lines that won't ever go away.

You would love my hair when it was long, but you'd love it still when I cut off the ten inches to donate to Locks O' Love. You'd say you love my natural color of some boring brown even though I am pretty sure you've never seen it more than an inch at my roots, and you'd hate the smell the dye left in the bathroom and in my hair the next day. But you'd love my new color, whatever it may be. You'd love my hair when it was blonde, and slightly reddish. You'd say I was the hottest red head you know. You'd love my hair when it was so dark brown it was almost black because it makes my eyes look unnaturally blue, and you'd love it when it was bleached blonde and then hot pink. You'd love it anyway I did, because you would love me. But you don't.

NaNoWriMo

2009-11-12T10:19:00.001-08:00

April 12th, 1986

A tall man in a brown suede jacked was trudging through the mud in the woods. His tan boots now looked brown up to the ankles covered in mud. He had abandoned the trails that most people kept to on a hunt for a special type of mushroom. He needed it for an experiment he was going to try. The mushroom he sought after had special magical qualities he needed for his experiment. According to his book that had been handed down from generation to generation, further back then any family tree could go, the mushrooms could be used in the love potion that he wanted to try out on his very pretty next door neighbor (who was happily married mind you) but also in the magical mirror potion, that was used to see the future. He hoped to find lots of these mushrooms but had taken the book with him to compare the pictures of other plants with magical characteristics.
He had his book open to page 723 where there was a very large picture of the mushroom he needed. There were also a warning on this page about some of the mushrooms that look similar, and a nasty picture of a rash that one of those mushrooms can give you on the opposite page. The man was staring back and forth from the book to a mushroom a few feet in front of him. He had finally decided to pick the mushroom, after all he was wearing gloves and he started to walk in its direction. As he bent down to pick it up, being careful not to lose the page in his book, a bare foot, and leg crossed in front of him nearly stepping on his precious mushroom. He looked to see who the appendages belonged to, and he saw to his surprise, and splendor a beautiful women wearing nothing at all. Her long blonde hair covered a lot of her, but it was so beautiful that he was not dismayed by this. He stood staring at her for a long moment before he spoke. “Who are you?” She stared back at him a little like she didn’t understand. “I am lily of the forest. I am the most beautiful of women you will ever see, and that mushroom you seek can not change what is meant to be” She scampered off quickly as he absorbed what she said.

Miles

2009-11-12T10:06:00.000-08:00

Austin should have been out of Virginia by midnight but it's 1am and he's just now approaching the state border. The Mason-Dixon line is still an hour north. It isn't just time that is beginning to worry Austin though. It's getting harder and harder to keep his eyes open and the total darkness only confuses him. In the last thirty minutes there hasn't been another car on the same side of the road. No one is passing him, and there are no cars for him to pass. The headlights of the cars on the other side of the highway temporarily blind him as they pass. They make the darkness afterwards seem even more total. It gives Austin a chill and the hair sticks up on his arm. The heats on in the car, but he still has goose bumps. He can't help but think that all the cars fleeing from this place that he is headed, like some disaster is up ahead.

The sky has a reddish glow to the northwest, but without making it seem any less dark. He imagines some blazing forest fire, or explosion is making the sky turn shades of crimson. It brings back memories of his days as a camera man running towards disaster all the time, running into the buildings right before they came crumbling down. It was moments like that, which made Austin reconsider his life. He moved away from the city, down south for a more relaxing life with his family, but now just headed back in the same general direction, and he couldn't escape this awful feeling that was haunting him. What was up ahead?

"What am I thinking?" he said out loud to himself, breaking the silence that had persisted since his book on tape ended an hour earlier. "It's just too late to be driving. I'm too old for this." His eyes darted as his headlights hit every blue sign, gas, food…lodging.

If he stops now he could get a few hours of sleep and get back on the road in the daylight, but daylight in these parts is synonymous for traffic. As Austin debates in his head, his eyes start to close and he swerves to the right. The rumple strips jerk him awake, and as his eyes open he sees a sign for the Jameson Inn. "No more risks" he says out loud. "I'm going to sleep."

Why I Hate Boys

2009-11-08T19:09:00.000-08:00

Why I Hate Boys

I hate Travis for making me believe that you had to have some serious fault to be loved. You had to be scarred emotionally to be worth loving. And Travis loved everyone else; he loved Amanda even though she had a boyfriend, just cause she had no parents. He loved Lindsay because she had suicidal tendencies, because she was needy and insecure. But he didn't love me because I was not fucked up enough. I had two parents that loved me, and I had never carved into my own skin, just to feel anything at all. I had never tried to take twenty Advil. And for ever making me think I should, I hate Travis.

I hate Jason for taking my virginity. I hate Jason for lying to me, and for sleeping with my best friend. I hate Jason for never liking me the way I was, for wanting me to change my hair color to red and wear tighter jeans. I hate Jason for ditching me on Valentine's Day to drink cough syrup with his friends. I hate Jason because when he took away my virginity he took away the romanticism of sex. He took away any meaning I might have attached to sex, that would prevent me from treating it carelessly. It took me five years to make up for what he did, and learn to not be a slut, and for that and many other reasons I hate Jason.

I hate Derick for telling me he couldn't kiss me because he was friends with Jason. I hate him for kissing me later after time had passed and he knew it would not damage his friendship with Jason. I hate him for being such a good kisser and then going and kissing my best friend at my house, at my party right in front of me. I hate him even more because he told me he didn't really like her, and that she wasn't pretty just the day before, which could only lead me to think that I must be practically deformed.

I hate Glenn for being the first boy I truly liked and wanted to date, and I hate him for falling in love with his ex-girlfriend before that could ever happen. I hate Glenn for being, for so long the boy that got away, because there is no way to compete with an ex-girlfriend that stole his heart by taking his virginity and being the only girl he ever wanted after that. I hate Glenn for making me realize I could be so beautiful and so intelligent and still be nothing to him, so long as she was there.

I hate short Mike for having a girlfriend, for cheating on his girlfriend and for saying he loved me all at the same time. I hate slut Mike for being the first boy I ever kissed, and then kissing my friend Alexis, and my friend Kimberley, and then sleeping with my friend Faith and never realizing that this might cause problems or that it might ruin years of friendship.

I hate Justin for being such a retard that he failed out of the local state university, and I hate him for making me do stupid things like drive five hours south in a car with a windshield that had been shattered, just to see him. I hate him for being so far away that I actually believed he was perfect for me, because he was never there to prove me wrong.

I hate Sky for thinking I belonged to him just because he loved me. I hate him for thinking that simply because he loved me it was reason enough for me to put my life on hold, to commit myself to him. I hate Sky for telling me I would be an awful girlfriend just because I didn't always want to hang out with him. And I hate Sky for calling me "dirty" just because I admitted I would never love him the same way he loved me.

I hate Jeremy for being engaged. I hate him for biting my lip and pulling my hair and being perfect in every way, except not being single. I hate him for lying to me when I asked him if he was in a relationship and I hate him for letting me find out the truth. I hate him for not having a car and still saying we should race, when he really meant fuck. I hate his strawberry blonde hair, and his bright blue eyes, his raspy smoker's voice and I hate him for being so funny and clever, and liking my dog so much.

I hate Scott for telling me he was falling in love with me. Me, the person his wife hired to take care of their wonderful children. I hate him for even thinking that I would betray his wife that way, and I hate him for considering it himself. I hate him for making my life and my job horribly uncomfortable. I hate him for teaching me that even after you are done dating, and you grow up and get married, you have kids, and your husband is still a stupid prick who would give up everything just for a younger, newer piece of ass.

I hate Zach, and Andrew, I hate Jon and I hate Brett. I hate every boy who wanted nothing more than to sleep with me. Every boy that was willing to disregard any feelings I might have for one night inside my thighs. And every boy who after being there disappeared without a trace.

I hate Allen for sleeping with a married woman and proving he never respected the sanctity of marriage. I hate Brandon for getting a blow job from a stripper while he was married, and I hate him for walking out on his wife, just because things were tough. I hate Jordan for hooking up with my roommate, and two of my best friends. I hate Adam, Brandon, and Jordan, my three brothers for never proving me wrong about any of my beliefs about the opposite sex. I hate them for acting like children any time they get drunk and being just like all the other idiot boys out there, no different.

I hate Robert for being the one boy I don't actually hate. The only one that wasn't a mistake. The only one I don't regret. I hate him for watching my dog when I was out of town and sending me text messages every time they raced down the sidewalk to tell me who won. I hate him for thinking I was beautiful every morning he woke up next to me. I hate him for making me mix CDs to listen to on my long drives. I hate him for driving me around every time my car broke. I hate him for driving me to pick up my new car when I could finally afford one. I hate him for all the times he bought me dinner, or paid when we went to the movies. I hate his curly brown hair and how much I loved to run my fingers through it. I hate him for meeting my dad and my brothers, and getting along with them so well.

But mostly I hate myself, for letting him think I didn't love him anymore, for letting him slip away and far beyond my reach. I hate myself for letting him go without a fight because it didn't occur to me at the time that he was the best thing that ever happened to me, and the one guy that wasn't a mistake is my biggest regret.