depression hurts....

Dear Strangers that may or may not read this,

I am deeply sorry that I do not write more often.  I should.  I can never become a writer writing so infrequently.  I am also sorry that whenever I do write it is rarely to inform you of positive news. 

I am depressed.  At least I think that I might have some symptoms, similar to what a doctor could diagnose as depression.  And that in and of itself makes me sad.  A close friend once said "Gillian, how come you never get depressed?"  And I didn't know how to respond because I was unaware at the time that I was supposed to be getting depressed now and then, but now being depressed the whole thing just sucks. 

I blame the weather.   It's been raining for at least five days now, and when I tried to go plant flowers (which is my new hobby to pull me out of my "would be" depression) I think I accidentally cut seven worms in half trying to dig three 1" holes.  That just made me depressed.  Those poor worms, even if I didn't kill them, being cut in half sucks, trying to regrow your other half?  that sounds exhausting.  I can't even imagine. 

So I've given up gardening until the weather is a little nicer, and the worms go back into their proper places, deep in the soil.  But I feel the need to make not just my apartment beautiful, but the whole building because my upstairs neighbor who used to do that, she died.  It's possible that I have no right to be sad about this, but I am.  I saw her daily.  I am not sure what her name was but her dog was named Gigi.  I found out that Gigi was going to go live out in the country, with her former dog sitter, and that just made me sad.  It shouldn't, it seems like a good life for a dog.  But thinking about the life of a dog after the life of it's owner that is pretty sad.  I struggle to think of my life without Jameson.  I think his life without me would be pretty upsetting too.

But also the idea that someone who was a part of my life, be it a very small part of my life, is gone, forever is horribly depressing.  I won't ever hear her pull out the hose and start watering the flowers, or see her walking the dog.  I won't ever have her complain about my trash can staying on the street too long, or hear her loud jeep pull up to the parking spot right outside my window.  Maybe I wouldn't have missed those things normally. But now I will.  It wasn't long ago at all that she came and knocked on my door wondering if we had received her package by mistake.  I wonder what it was?  i wonder if she got to enjoy it before she went to the hospital with pneumonia.  I wonder if she'd be proud of how pretty I made the front steps with flowers and greens, if she hadn't gotten that blood clot...