Dear Officer Peterson,
A month ago when you pulled me over, you were pleasant and I appreciated that. I had a car filled with children and you did your best to help me calm down. When you wrote me a ticket for an expired tag, I didn't immediately hate you. I thanked you even, when you told me that if I got my vehicle registered soon the judge would probably reduce the fine or dismiss my ticket. It was nice of you also to mention that I should keep the ticket in my car so if I got pulled over for the same expired tag, the next officer would be less likely to give me a second ticket.
When I went to court today after having my car re-registered within 24 hours of receiving that ticket I felt confident based on the wonderful experience I had being pulled over. Surely court could not be the worst part of any ordeal involving police and tickets. But Dekalb County Recorders Court is probably the closest I have come to hell on earth. It sits among rows of what looked like abandoned buildings, along side animal control, and the dump. I had to pay five dollars just to park, so I could sit in court and be treated like a petty criminal. The judge did not care that I had registered my vehicle so soon after learning my tag had expired. The fact that I was driving an unregistered vehicle was all that mattered. And I probably could have dealt with handing over all of the money I made over the weekend running my ass off waiting tables, but on top of that to have to sit in court and waste another three hours of my life, and then have to pay for parking and another five dollars in ATM fees just to get out of there without having to go on probation. All of that was too much.
So thank you Officer Peterson for giving me the opportunity to see how shitty my life really could be.
Thanks,
Gillian
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
depression hurts....
Dear Strangers that may or may not read this,
I am deeply sorry that I do not write more often. I should. I can never become a writer writing so infrequently. I am also sorry that whenever I do write it is rarely to inform you of positive news.
I am depressed. At least I think that I might have some symptoms, similar to what a doctor could diagnose as depression. And that in and of itself makes me sad. A close friend once said "Gillian, how come you never get depressed?" And I didn't know how to respond because I was unaware at the time that I was supposed to be getting depressed now and then, but now being depressed the whole thing just sucks.
I blame the weather. It's been raining for at least five days now, and when I tried to go plant flowers (which is my new hobby to pull me out of my "would be" depression) I think I accidentally cut seven worms in half trying to dig three 1" holes. That just made me depressed. Those poor worms, even if I didn't kill them, being cut in half sucks, trying to regrow your other half? that sounds exhausting. I can't even imagine.
So I've given up gardening until the weather is a little nicer, and the worms go back into their proper places, deep in the soil. But I feel the need to make not just my apartment beautiful, but the whole building because my upstairs neighbor who used to do that, she died. It's possible that I have no right to be sad about this, but I am. I saw her daily. I am not sure what her name was but her dog was named Gigi. I found out that Gigi was going to go live out in the country, with her former dog sitter, and that just made me sad. It shouldn't, it seems like a good life for a dog. But thinking about the life of a dog after the life of it's owner that is pretty sad. I struggle to think of my life without Jameson. I think his life without me would be pretty upsetting too.
But also the idea that someone who was a part of my life, be it a very small part of my life, is gone, forever is horribly depressing. I won't ever hear her pull out the hose and start watering the flowers, or see her walking the dog. I won't ever have her complain about my trash can staying on the street too long, or hear her loud jeep pull up to the parking spot right outside my window. Maybe I wouldn't have missed those things normally. But now I will. It wasn't long ago at all that she came and knocked on my door wondering if we had received her package by mistake. I wonder what it was? i wonder if she got to enjoy it before she went to the hospital with pneumonia. I wonder if she'd be proud of how pretty I made the front steps with flowers and greens, if she hadn't gotten that blood clot...
I am deeply sorry that I do not write more often. I should. I can never become a writer writing so infrequently. I am also sorry that whenever I do write it is rarely to inform you of positive news.
I am depressed. At least I think that I might have some symptoms, similar to what a doctor could diagnose as depression. And that in and of itself makes me sad. A close friend once said "Gillian, how come you never get depressed?" And I didn't know how to respond because I was unaware at the time that I was supposed to be getting depressed now and then, but now being depressed the whole thing just sucks.
I blame the weather. It's been raining for at least five days now, and when I tried to go plant flowers (which is my new hobby to pull me out of my "would be" depression) I think I accidentally cut seven worms in half trying to dig three 1" holes. That just made me depressed. Those poor worms, even if I didn't kill them, being cut in half sucks, trying to regrow your other half? that sounds exhausting. I can't even imagine.
So I've given up gardening until the weather is a little nicer, and the worms go back into their proper places, deep in the soil. But I feel the need to make not just my apartment beautiful, but the whole building because my upstairs neighbor who used to do that, she died. It's possible that I have no right to be sad about this, but I am. I saw her daily. I am not sure what her name was but her dog was named Gigi. I found out that Gigi was going to go live out in the country, with her former dog sitter, and that just made me sad. It shouldn't, it seems like a good life for a dog. But thinking about the life of a dog after the life of it's owner that is pretty sad. I struggle to think of my life without Jameson. I think his life without me would be pretty upsetting too.
But also the idea that someone who was a part of my life, be it a very small part of my life, is gone, forever is horribly depressing. I won't ever hear her pull out the hose and start watering the flowers, or see her walking the dog. I won't ever have her complain about my trash can staying on the street too long, or hear her loud jeep pull up to the parking spot right outside my window. Maybe I wouldn't have missed those things normally. But now I will. It wasn't long ago at all that she came and knocked on my door wondering if we had received her package by mistake. I wonder what it was? i wonder if she got to enjoy it before she went to the hospital with pneumonia. I wonder if she'd be proud of how pretty I made the front steps with flowers and greens, if she hadn't gotten that blood clot...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
things i like....
Lately everything I write is angry, venting rants. And while it does feel nice to let it all out I thought I would try something different.
The weather has taken a turn for the nice, and it's odd how suddenly I love my life. I have been able to go on long walks with Jameson in Keegan everyday since the weather had been nice. We take pictures of things that are weird, and we walk for hours in the beautiful weather. Some people get to do that on weekends (not me) but the fact that I get to sleep until 10 and get up and enjoy the beautiful weather "makes me, Amber Atkins proud to be an american," no scratch that just happy.
I also love my car in the early spring (or February?). When the weather is nice I can open my sunroof and listen to kevin devine with the windows all down. It's lovely. And my car is clean so I love it even more than normal right now. I know a lot of people love their cars, but I think I am one of few people (even fewer people with my income) that are close to owning their dream car. Nigel is my dream car. He is all I could ever really want. I can fit 3 sets of golf clubs in my trunk, or 2 car seats and a 40lb bag of dog food. I have non-leather heated seats. I get 20 miles per gallon in town, which would suck if I had just bought my car, although I think 20mpg still counts as good if its an SUV, but my car is 21 years old. He's perfect. Except not really. He's rusty and he needs new ball joints and lower control arms. But I think he'll make it. We'll replace each part slowly and carefully and then when his suspension isn't deteriorating anymore we can give him a shiny new paint job (maybe with glitter too) and he will be my dream car. So close....
The weather has taken a turn for the nice, and it's odd how suddenly I love my life. I have been able to go on long walks with Jameson in Keegan everyday since the weather had been nice. We take pictures of things that are weird, and we walk for hours in the beautiful weather. Some people get to do that on weekends (not me) but the fact that I get to sleep until 10 and get up and enjoy the beautiful weather "makes me, Amber Atkins proud to be an american," no scratch that just happy.
I also love my car in the early spring (or February?). When the weather is nice I can open my sunroof and listen to kevin devine with the windows all down. It's lovely. And my car is clean so I love it even more than normal right now. I know a lot of people love their cars, but I think I am one of few people (even fewer people with my income) that are close to owning their dream car. Nigel is my dream car. He is all I could ever really want. I can fit 3 sets of golf clubs in my trunk, or 2 car seats and a 40lb bag of dog food. I have non-leather heated seats. I get 20 miles per gallon in town, which would suck if I had just bought my car, although I think 20mpg still counts as good if its an SUV, but my car is 21 years old. He's perfect. Except not really. He's rusty and he needs new ball joints and lower control arms. But I think he'll make it. We'll replace each part slowly and carefully and then when his suspension isn't deteriorating anymore we can give him a shiny new paint job (maybe with glitter too) and he will be my dream car. So close....
Thursday, February 17, 2011
continued again....
A week of nice weather (continued)....
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
a week of nice weather...
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Why my dog is a better person than you are.
I like to think that I am a passionate person. I care about many things very passionately; one of these things is sports. i love sports. I love watching them; I love playing them. And on this particular Superbowl Sunday I tried so hard to not care at all, because I was tired of being disappointed in things over which I have no control. So I really didn't care if the Packers beat the steelers of vice versa. I wanted to care, I did, but I wasn't going to invest too much energy into it.
Some might say that you can't be that rational about the things you are passionate about, because really how many of the things in this world do we really have a say in? Not that many. But I like to think when I buy organic shade grown coffee from Nicaragua I am helping support the economy of one of the poorest nations in central america. I like to think that by buying my books at Eagle Eye I am keeping some of my neighbors from loosing jobs, or even worse, maybe their house.
I feel passionately also, that people shouldn't eat meat. The idea of eating a dead rotting carcass is pretty disgusting to me and it's one I can't wrap my head around, and haven't been able to for the last 9 years of my life. Every time I smell wings at work, and think maybe those would taste good, but I look at the bones sticking out from the smothered meat and think those are bones of an animal, bones of a once living, breathing, thinking, feeling animal. It makes me not so hungry. I don't have to think about all the horrible practices of a factory farm to make me lose my appetite for meat; I just have to think of an animal, any animal and think "would I eat that?" But I still don't get how so many people can be so willing to ignore what is so obvious.
I know not everyone is horrified by the idea of eating an animal. People hunt, and they eat it and that makes sense...maybe...a little bit, but not to me. If I could chose to eat an apple or go kill a deer. I would always chose the apple. Even if those were my only two choices for the rest of my life. Every time I would chose the apple. People will argue that we are meant to eat meat, because we are human and we are at the top of the food chain. because we are smarter we should eat meat. But I think because we're smarter doesn't that mean we shouldn't eat meat? my dog can't make the connection that his food used to be a living animal. he sees a squirrel and he chases it but he doesn't really understand why. I don't chase a squirrel, I don't have that instinct. or his teeth/jaw for that matter. doesn't that mean I shouldn't be eating meat?
People are always telling me they are just stupid animals, that they don't matter. It is more important to have and taste bacon than to assume that a pig is actually a really intelligent animal, smarter than your three year old kid. But where are they getting this?
One night when I was walking my dog, Jameson, we heard the squeal of an animal, probably a dog being stepped on accidentally in front of a neighbors house, and we continued walking. My dog pulled so hard to go back to where we heard the noise, and for the next ten minutes once we arrived back home stood in the window looking out and howling. he stopped only when I took him back out and walked to the neighbors house. They were outside with a tiny new puppy. Jameson saw the puppy we had heard, and when he saw it was ok he was fine and walked back home with me and went to sleep.
If my dog can care that much about a puppy he's never met, how can people tell me that we are better than the animals we eat. Why are we so special that we get to decide which animals life is worth taking, based on taste? based on intelligence? My dog has a clearer moral conscience than michael pollan.
Some might say that you can't be that rational about the things you are passionate about, because really how many of the things in this world do we really have a say in? Not that many. But I like to think when I buy organic shade grown coffee from Nicaragua I am helping support the economy of one of the poorest nations in central america. I like to think that by buying my books at Eagle Eye I am keeping some of my neighbors from loosing jobs, or even worse, maybe their house.
I feel passionately also, that people shouldn't eat meat. The idea of eating a dead rotting carcass is pretty disgusting to me and it's one I can't wrap my head around, and haven't been able to for the last 9 years of my life. Every time I smell wings at work, and think maybe those would taste good, but I look at the bones sticking out from the smothered meat and think those are bones of an animal, bones of a once living, breathing, thinking, feeling animal. It makes me not so hungry. I don't have to think about all the horrible practices of a factory farm to make me lose my appetite for meat; I just have to think of an animal, any animal and think "would I eat that?" But I still don't get how so many people can be so willing to ignore what is so obvious.
I know not everyone is horrified by the idea of eating an animal. People hunt, and they eat it and that makes sense...maybe...a little bit, but not to me. If I could chose to eat an apple or go kill a deer. I would always chose the apple. Even if those were my only two choices for the rest of my life. Every time I would chose the apple. People will argue that we are meant to eat meat, because we are human and we are at the top of the food chain. because we are smarter we should eat meat. But I think because we're smarter doesn't that mean we shouldn't eat meat? my dog can't make the connection that his food used to be a living animal. he sees a squirrel and he chases it but he doesn't really understand why. I don't chase a squirrel, I don't have that instinct. or his teeth/jaw for that matter. doesn't that mean I shouldn't be eating meat?
People are always telling me they are just stupid animals, that they don't matter. It is more important to have and taste bacon than to assume that a pig is actually a really intelligent animal, smarter than your three year old kid. But where are they getting this?
One night when I was walking my dog, Jameson, we heard the squeal of an animal, probably a dog being stepped on accidentally in front of a neighbors house, and we continued walking. My dog pulled so hard to go back to where we heard the noise, and for the next ten minutes once we arrived back home stood in the window looking out and howling. he stopped only when I took him back out and walked to the neighbors house. They were outside with a tiny new puppy. Jameson saw the puppy we had heard, and when he saw it was ok he was fine and walked back home with me and went to sleep.
If my dog can care that much about a puppy he's never met, how can people tell me that we are better than the animals we eat. Why are we so special that we get to decide which animals life is worth taking, based on taste? based on intelligence? My dog has a clearer moral conscience than michael pollan.
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